Riding to the top of a mountain might not look like anything to write home about, but what you don't know is it took me almost 34 years to get there.
Obviously not a Strava worthy feat but in my short 46 years, it has been one of my greatest victories and continues to be a challenge and a joy. Being able to get on a bike and not fall off firstly is still a rather surreal moment for me; having gone flying off my bike 34 odd years ago, headfirst into the road, sliding along knocking both my brand spanking new front teeth back into my gums and basically scraping all the soft delicate skin off my little face. I had been a nervous rider to begin with and just before my spectacular exit from the seat and over the handlebars I had a moment where I felt briefly 'on fire' and in control.
I never rode a bike on purpose after that (well besides a motorbike, but that is another story). I was pretty much terrified of how flimsy and out-of-control it felt. That is also strangely how the rest of my life began to roll. The things that I couldn't control without a doubt I didn't entertain. I lived a life where everything was under control, me, my job, my employees, my team, my marriage, my body, my food, my fun, my family. Obviously I concede that this control was all an illusion.
Control is just another way of saying - "I don't trust the universe at all to take care of me, my needs or well, anything else at all. So I will just muscle it into what I want it to be." As you know this never works out well for us, as part of our reason for living is to BE, just trust in the divine order and show up with hearts wide open for love and life to flow in and out of them. When we control everything we shut that box and nothing gets out and nothing can get in. Not even the universe!
When my world came crashing down on me and my marriage I had a 6 mth old baby and a 2 yr old toddler and I was completely and utterly out of control. I had spent so many years trying to be in control so much so that I was an alien in my own body and mind and life ...
So I got back on a bike (my ex had bought me a second hand Scott before we separated to hide the fact that he had just dropped a ton of money on a spanky new Scott carbon baby for himself ... now I can laugh about it - but hell yes, I was mad as a snake at the time, up to my eyeballs in poop nappies and mommy bras!) I rode horribly, falling off almost every ride. I, however, had some serious big girl panties by that time, so I pulled them on and got back in the saddle until I no longer sucked so much, till I no longer hated myself, my life, my ex. I rode everything that scared the heck out of me and I suffered - a lot. I even managed to nearly take myself out of the equation when faced with a taxi (me on the wrong side of the road!). What I learned was something that only a 'lonely' ride can give you. You are in this life alone. You are with you, yourself, and no one but the voices in your head.
What I learned while out in the wilds of my mind surrounded by nature, alone, was that I could do it with a whole lot less control. I let things roll and flow and I trusted myself, learned to trust the universe, and eventually, I could ride to the top of the mountain. Letting go of control and fear. I also found that I became my best supporter and started enjoying my own company, the quiet, non-chatterbox Mel, where I wasn't trying to control what others might think of me. Where I was in a state of BEing bliss.
The inner child who felt injured the day I went over the handlebars was hurting inside for many years after the event. Only when I released the need to control everything and everyone was I able to make friends with her and nurture her and let her out to play and ultimately lead me to the mountain top. Only then was I able to access the courage to summit anything life threw at me.
Sometimes we need to find our best friend within so that we can actively become our own best supporter so that our inner child can lead us higher and higher.
Just for today:
Let your inner child lead you somewhere unexpected; where you might have to face fear, and get over it. Your mountain is waiting.